Steady On

Your heart never really breaks.

            Loved ones die, people are lost and you just get used to wiping away the tears. Stained cheeks are never in fashion.

The person who holds your soul can always say the four words no one in love should ever have to hear.

            Technically it’s five words, but people only always ever say four.

Your unstable world, your shaky life – at any moment it can crumble.

            Topple.

The heart speeds up and slows down, but no amount of ‘let’s just be friends’ can ever break it.

            The symbol of a heart doesn’t even look like a heart.

We profess love with what looks like cleavage. Or a butt.

            Or a vagina.

Same with flowers.

Sex organs are our symbols for love.

If you’re scared of sex, what does that tell you about love?

Blood is pumped and pushed by your heart. Delivers oxygen. Gets trapped and allows sex to happen.

            Yet, when was love and fucking mutually exclusive?

Growing up – I believed all the fairytales.

            Growing up just means unlearning everything you learned to believe while growing up.

By the time I learned the difference between love and like, sex had become a mutilated abstract.

            Never knowing when to quit.

When fairytales ended, my heart did not break.

            It carried on, beating steady.

                                    Silly thing that it is.

( Some Songs I've Been Listening To. )

So, back on…April 18 or somewhere around there, I packed up half my stuff and drove to Alabama to surprise mugglewitch1 for her birthday.

What has happened without any real planning is ( I haven’t left. )

( As much as I curse her... )

First of all, sorry about the misleading icon, this is not a book review. Rather, it is a beginning review.

Secondly, if you're a fan, you may want to skip this post.

( Fore the book is about to become my pinata. )

( 70 Question Meme Jacked from unkickablekitty )

( The 15 Fictional Characters You'd Fuck/Date Meme Jacked from Around the Nets )

( Title Meme Jacked from lacylu42 )

( Jacked from lewlinx, the Make Me Write Meme )

I tag anyone who reads this and wants to do it.

Uhm, ok, enough of a break, guess it's time to clean again.... *sigh*

( Coincidental Memory )

I could stand here, scream at the top of my lungs
About the dreams of you being mine
But I can’t stand here, thinking of what I’ve done
Why waste the time?
Why waste the breath?
Yes I could tell you, just how I feel
My every reason that I crave death
But that’s not part of the deal, no
No, that’s not part of the deal

What’s the matter, can you hear the patter
Of the marching of tiny feet?
Hey can you remember, the look of cold December
Of turning your head when we meet?
Oh, so, I guess that’s how the story goes
I suppose the message I’m sending
Is how this is just one more unhappy ending

Now all alone, tired to the bone, fatigued by unintentional lies
No time to begin, when you reach the dead end, exhausted by how time flies
Live everyday like it’s your last is easy when it feels like the last
Every day is exactly the same there’s no future when it’s all past
So I could stand here and I could scream and I could whither away
But life without fear, without dream, it all just seems the same
I could repeat myself
But what would there be there to gain?
I could do all these things…
But what would be there to gain?

Nothing comes here, comes my way
I guess that’s just how things are
Nothing to fear, nothing to say
I guess I’ve always gone too far
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye is all that’s left
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye now seems right
Cos I can’t stand here and try to fight
The ground is slipping, heart cold and ripping
Before the goodbye there’s one thing to do
Watch the frown when I whisper that I love you

No more mending, the message I’m sending
No more shoulder lending, or messages pending
Just the tending, of the will bending
Can’t stop fending, this
Goodbye.
Unhappy ending

I'm done.

This has been a hell of a day. Fluctuating back and forth between so many extremes, depression to anger to... everything else. I am so worn thin that I've been panic attacking for an hour and a half, on and off. Usually, to stop them, I want to go home, or somewhere with comfort, but I don't have those kinds of places anymore. I don't feel like I have a home, or anyone to tell me it's going to be ok, or any kind of comfort. Now, I'm so worn that I may just go to bed, even if its induced sleep. Concentration is a difficult and fickle thing. Truly focusing on something starts to bring the attacks back on. (tried with homework) I just now only stopped the shaking enough to type this. *laughs*

What a fine mess I am becoming.

edit: don't ask me about this time stamp, It's 2:30pm CST.