evol

A Short Writing Experiment

Tue, 13 May 2008 07:49:00 GMT

Steady On

Your heart never really breaks.

Loved ones die, people are lost and you just get used to wiping away the tears. Stained cheeks are never in fashion.

The person who holds your soul can always say the four words no one in love should ever have to hear.

Technically it’s five words, but people only always ever say four.

Your unstable world, your shaky life – at any moment it can crumble.

Topple.

The heart speeds up and slows down, but no amount of ‘let’s just be friends’ can ever break it.

The symbol of a heart doesn’t even look like a heart.

We profess love with what looks like cleavage. Or a butt.

Or a vagina.

Same with flowers.

Sex organs are our symbols for love.

If you’re scared of sex, what does that tell you about love?

Blood is pumped and pushed by your heart. Delivers oxygen. Gets trapped and allows sex to happen.

Yet, when was love and fucking mutually exclusive?

Growing up – I believed all the fairytales.

Growing up just means unlearning everything you learned to believe while growing up.

By the time I learned the difference between love and like, sex had become a mutilated abstract.

Never knowing when to quit.

When fairytales ended, my heart did not break.

It carried on, beating steady.

Silly thing that it is.

Some Songs

Mon, 05 May 2008 06:50:56 GMT

Can Life Be New?

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 09:22:18 GMT

So, back on…April 18 or somewhere around there, I packed up half my stuff and drove to Alabama to surprise mugglewitch1 for her birthday.

What has happened without any real planning is I haven’t left.

In fact, after only 2 bad days since being here (both early on in the visit) I don’t think I even plan to. So much so that Friday I was supposed to sign the lease to my apartment, but something came up on their end I believe, so Monday should see me signing the lease.

And getting GTA4, which I fully expect to eat part of my time, but now at least Sally is in driving distance to tell me to get online and get work done.

Speaking of which, I’m hating school. I think once I get moved and working and somewhat settled I’m going to look into *gasp* going to a campus school. Though, I’m sure all that will be for another update another day.

Looks like things with my house may fall through, but that’s ok, it’ll be like finally closing that chapter to open my next one.

All in all, I have to say things are going good. I have new music, new eps of Doctor Who, new place to live and a whole new world of possibilities waiting at my fingertips.

It’s not all new, of course. My smile is old and now well remembered. My outlook, is an old one as well, and so short lived I wouldn’t blame anyone for forgetting it ever even happened.

Writing is going well. I fully expect to start having more updates about some original projects coming soon.

Anyway, guess that’s about it for now. I may be back in Texas Tuesday or Wednesday to tie up things there and get ready to move while I wait for the apartment to open up.

All in all, I can’t really complain.

And haven’t even really wanted to for like a week or more.

So yeah, things are good. I like good. Hopefully next time I’m here, the good will just be continuing. :-D

A Quick Life Update

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 07:22:31 GMT

As much as I curse her my mom really is a good person, and she shows it sometimes. In the past couple months she's been nothing but supportive, and for just about anything I mention.

That being said, today she took me out for lunch. We went to Bruno's, this really cool local Italian place, and ordered cheese garlic bread and a pizza. And they STACK their pizzas with tons of toppings. Really nice actually. After that we went to OfficeMax, or Depot, or one of those office places where she loaded up on those $10 PC games.

Dunno why, but I think that's cute. She's always hated playing games ever since Mountain King on the Atari 2600.

Then at Best Buy we looked around more, but in the parking lot she gave me $100 for bday. I was a bit shocked. And in Best Buy...she bought 2 more games! She spent like $60 on games today. Which, for my mom, is UNHEARD of.

Anyway, then we were off to Target. She got a card for her husband, and this little rod and reel thing for Allen for their anniversary tomorrow. And I saw Colfer had a new book out, so I picked it up, and the new Linkin Park CD cos finding the MP3s kinda suck, and then one of those things so you can play your iPod in your car.

And at the checkout my mom said she was paying. And I was like...wha?

Anyway, back in town for oil change (I may have pushed it a few thousand miles over what t he sticker told me) and she wouldn't let me pay for that either.

And all of it without a single ounce of guilt!

Then Tuesday night (yes, I'm going backwards, keep up, I'm tired) Candis and I talked till 4am on accident. It was nice to reconnect with her. Specially since both of us needed to vent it seemed.

So all in all, minus a few extreme bumps, life has been good lately. Well, two bad days and 3 good ones. So overall, I'm coming out on top, lol. Hoping for a good day tomorrow and a great weekend hopefully.

Well...if I keep up with school. I just remembered that has started again. Damn.

And a few other things that need to be done.

Anyway, will update soon I'm sure.

Or maybe in a month. Never can tell with me ;-)

Twilight

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:00:37 GMT

First of all, sorry about the misleading icon, this is not a book review. Rather, it is a beginning review.

Secondly, if you're a fan, you may want to skip this post.

The bat, my words. And I am going to swing with the enthusiasm of any child seeking candy.

First off: the cover. If you haven't seen it, you can google, but I'm going to describe it anyway. Two white arms hold an apple, the rest is black. It would be interesting if it wasn't so....pretentious. It feels like it screams, look at me, I'm all cool and gothy. And pretty much, what follows feels exactly the same way. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Next, after the dedication comes the quote.

But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,
thou shalt not eat of it:
for in the day that thou eatest thereof
thou shalt surely die.
Genesis 2:17

Part of me goes, ok, apple, great. Part of me digs religious themes. Part of me is screaming at the rest of me to not read anymore. Oh smarter me, how I should listen more. But I like to give things a fair shot. In most circumstances my litmus test consists of the very first sentence, that's it.

So I read the first sentence.

It's not horrible, it's not great. If this was some unknown book on the bookshelf at B&N I would quietly put it up and go on about my day. Even for best sellers.

But two of the three most important people in my life truly enjoy this book. Many more on my f-list have as well. So I decided to give it at least the dignity of reading chapter one before I buried it. Maybe I could be wrong. I kept reading the preface, hoping to be sucked in to decent writing and original ideas....

Ok, the preface failed, maybe chapter one could do the trick.

But this is mediocrity at its best. And that line, right there - mediocrity at its best - smarter than anything said in the preface or chapter one. Reading chapter one is like reading the movie The Covenant. In fact, I am a little shocked the book and movie have different writers. And for anyone who has seen The Covenant.... Well, first, I am sorry, I suffer with you. Secondly, the whole way that movie felt: How it was like a good idea gone wrong. How it was like every other supernatural teen thing gone wrong. How the potential is completely spoiled by the delivery. This is how the beginning of Twilight feels to me.

Logic and continuity is completely ignored. One paragraph says one thing only to be absolutely contradicted in the next. Cliches are stumbled through as common sense of a realistic world is lost. Characters are introduced and the back of your head screams MARY SUE. Or Gary Stu. If they are or not, I don't know. The simple fact is I'm so bored by the writing that I don't give a shit to find out.

Everything I've learned not to do, been taught against and told others about is presented here. Useless descriptions, like saying something is East, when you can't see the sun to enhance the description. It's just EAST. As if this is vital to the story (maybe it is, but it's not for chapter 1, cos there it's just...EAST). Maybe the imagery and symbology is to further show this is her grave, or something, I don't know. I'd buy it, if this book showed any logic or symbolic gesture that didn't smack you in the face to say look at me. Adverbs are EVERYWHERE. It only takes five words to make your writing a little stronger, please, authors out there, use those five words to do so. In fact, take those useless words out and then replace those crappy little adverbs with those five words. You'll keep the word count and look like a competent author in the process.

I could go through, copying and pasting exact instances of my annoyance, but meh, too much effort. The only reason I'm reviewing what I did read is because I'm so annoyed. This is a best seller. Smart people enjoy this book. And I thought I was going to get an interesting set of books to read. Damn am I disappointed, and I hate being disappointed.

So anyway, there it is. I'm closing the PDF and going back to finish Heart-Shaped Box and waiting for Snuff and Demonata 6 to hurry up and release in the US. Any fans, let me know if I'm just missing something...or why this is a good book. I tried to keep an open mind. Hell, I was looking FORWARD to reading them. And this...I dunno, I feel like the weird kid who is not understanding the cool kids.

The only problem with that is that I'm the cool kid ;-)

Some Memes

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 23:11:53 GMT

1) Happiest moment of 2008 so far?
There's been a happy moment? Uhm, New Years was alright, there's been bright spots here and there, nothing really note worthy.

2) What did you wake up to this morning?
Silence? I just woke.

3) Who were you with last night?
Me, myself was there, I made a brief appearance.

4) Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Dunno.

5) When is the last time you saw your crush?
July?

6) Who can you tell anything to?
Few select friends.

7) Do you know anyone named Peter?
Nope, never, though I'm sure I'd have made fun of him for having the name.

8) Who is your last phone call with?
baw61983

9) What's the last thing you said/typed?
baw61983

10) How's life?
Never been a fan of it.

11) Last time you cried?
Last night.

12) Why?
Giving up on hopes for happiness.

13) Have you ever thrown up?
Gang signs? I still do, cuz.

14) Where was the first kiss you had with the last person you kissed?
Too tricky of a question.

15) Do you love anyone whose name starts with an L?
Love love, friend love or family love?

16) Are you happy?
At this exact moment? Not exceptionally, but I have my moments.

17) Are you excited about anything?
April 29, Grand Theft Auto 4

18) What makes you happy in life?
Love.

19) What were you doing at 3 in the morning?
Sleeping.

20) Do you have any text messages saved on your phone?
Saved? No, I just clear them out once they're up to about 90. Do that 1 to 2 times a day.

21) Who are they from?
Right now? baw61983, mugglewitch1 and Brent.

22) What do they say?
Uhm, lots? One thread about school, one about writing a song and one about cars.

23) Do you enjoy life?
It has its moments.

24) How long was the last relationship you were in?
Yet another tricky question.

25) Would you take a bullet for anyone?
Anyone? No. Some people? Yes.

26) What are you listening to?
Perfect Situation by Weezer

27) Do you like it?
Yup!

28) Have you ever taken medicine that wasn't prescribed to you?
Few times.

29) Are you surprised about something?
Lots of things.

30) Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
I'm sure there are.

31) Do you feel bad because someone doesn't like you?
Nope. Fuck em.

32) In your household who do you fight with the most?
I live alone, so myself, which happens more often than is probably healthy.

33) Do you like anyone?
Sure do.

34) What's the worst thing about hugs?
Depends. Some are that they end. Some are cos they never begin.

35) What did yesterday consist of?
Uhm, TV, video games, talking, pr0n, texting, masturbation, cleaning, washing, cooking, eating, internets, uhm, showering, sure there were some other things too.

36) Did you talk to anybody random yesterday?
Hmm, nope.

37) Did any particular thing brighten up your day yesterday?
Hmm, nope.

38) What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?
200 Tylenol and 2 fifths of alcohols.

39) If you could kiss anyone right now, who would it be?
She knows who she is.

40) When was the last time you went ice skating?
Never.

41) Describe the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend in 1 word:
Dependable

42) Your team loses; are you watching the next game?
I have a team? Go team! Make me some damn money!

43) Who was the last person you hugged?
Bri I think.

44) What was the last thing that really made you smile?
Like really smile? Not sure.

45) Someone trips in front of you-what do you do?
Laugh. Then ask if they're ok/help them up.

46) Have you ever failed a class?
Yep, I get bored with them.

47) A person says they like you--you say?
Depends.

48) Do you like cuddling?
Probably too much.

49) Are you close to your parents?
Nope.

50) Do you go hunting?
Nope, it's boring.

51) Your friend's pregnant--you say?
Depends on the friend and circumstance. "Again??" or "Congratulations" or "How is that even possible?"

52) What's your favorite sport?
Skateboarding? Is that still counted as a sport?

53) Do you like to run?
Not even when I'm being chased.

54) Do you plan on dressing up for Halloween next year?
Nope.

55) What word starts with M?
There's only one?

56) What is your favorite day of the week ?
Err, they're all kind of the same.

57) Do you have deja vu often?
Didn't I just answer this?

58) Has your favorite color ever been pink or blue?
No to both.

59) Do you believe in true love?
Less and less every day.

60) How many hoodies do you own?
Currently? One that fits.

61) How's your heart?
It's there.

62) Do you like anyone?
Wow, deja vu. I like some.

63) Where'd you get the shirt you're wearing?
Interwebs.

64) What time did you go to bed last night?
I think it was midnight?

65) Are you cocky?
Depends on the day.

66) Do you make your bed daily?
Nope.

67) Do you own slippers?
Nope.

68) Is there a TV in your bedroom?
Yup.

69) Are you afraid of the dark?
Nope. I tend to be the scariest thing in the dark.

70) How was your day?
Kinda boring.

Padma and Parvati Patil from Harry Potter. Yes, at the same time. Yes, that's a bit disturbing and wrong, but I'm a guy, and this is a guy thing, deal with it.

Eve from Angel. A little evil, a little devoted, all hawt.

Emma Frost from X-Men. A little evil, sexy as hell, and she can kill you with her brain.

Jean Grey from X-Men. Good girl with psycho tendencies. Also, she could kill the WORLD with her brain.

Hermione Granger from Harry Potter. Notice the brain thing is a trend.

Jo Harvelle from Supernatural. Demon hunting, gun toting, knife wielding badass. What more can a guy ask for?

Marla Singer from Fight Club. Depravity, rock-bottom hitting, smoking, hawtness.

Malory Knox from Natural Born Killers. She can kill you with her hands.

Kat from Weeds. The definition of Bat Shit Crazy.

Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks. She's cute, looking for something more from life, and possibly a genius who would rather embrace something real.

Juliet Capulet from Romeo and Juliet. She talks pretty? Ok, this may be the lamest answer answer, but :-P

Dania from The House of X. Because she drives William absolutely mad. And a thief. And she can kill you with her knives. Or lynx.

Vivian from The House of X. Because she almost drains William. And she can kill you with her teeth.

Bela Talbot from Supernatural. Thief, sexy, manipulative, rich, and her car is nice.

Tie: Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter. Bat Shit Crazy revisited. Years in Az, and can kill you for her own amusement. Or Nancy Botwin from Weeds. She couldn't kill you, but she could make it happen. And there's this pic of her with a python....

*rereads list and headdesks and stays there* I have issues.....

Tell me the titles — the first things that pop into your mind — for the following books by you:

* A poem about your worst winter

Dead Leaves Covered in Words

* A children's book about two dogs

Nox and Rox Find Their Home OR Pup and Dawg: Rounding Up Sheep

* A memoir about your mother

The Mistake of Choice

* A biography about you in midlife

This Is It?

* A novel set in your hometown

Slowly Put Down the Gun

* A book of your collected wisdom

Learning the Hard Way OR This Is It? OR Slowly Put Down the Gun OR A Hard Pill to Swallow

* A mystery novel with a surprising child detective at its center

The Case of the Missing Hibachi

1. Give me something I can make a top 5 list out of, anything at all, top 5 favorite socks, top five favorite smells, anything you want to know my top five of, I'll make a post later with the answers.

2. Give me something you've never seen me blog about, no matter how random, embarrassing or weird. I'll try to make a post about it.

I tag anyone who reads this and wants to do it.

Uhm, ok, enough of a break, guess it's time to clean again.... *sigh*

A Writing Exercise

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 19:44:48 GMT

You think of someone you haven’t thought about in years, someone you haven’t spoken to in even longer, and for whatever reason you contact them, and find out they have been thinking of you.

You’re hit with a gut feeling that things are changing, only to open your eyes and realize they have already changed.

The pillow is soft, the mattress not as much, but close. The sheets, everything around you is comfort, your body aches to shut down. Your brain seeks the same comfort, and you stumble upon an idea that some things are not your fault. And you drift into blackness.

You open your eyes, and you can no longer recognize the world. Your most constant of constants is no longer there.

You let go.

Control is not as tangible that you can hold it in your hands, you’re better at betting on cupping your hands to hold water, and then run a marathon.

No matter how hard you try, how perfect you act, how much you give, sometimes it will never be enough.

This is not because of you.

You go weeks, months, years without seeing or hearing from people, then you hear or see each of them in one day.

This does not mean anything.

Me, I fall in love, and then try to crawl desperately out.

It’s just a name, but it carries a memory.

Memories are unreliable. Changing time, color, sizes, emotions and everything you know. They can make bad people good. They can turn good people into monsters.

Why did you ignore me? Why am I not good enough?

“I want a picture of the sunset.”

“Hey…”

“Why do I even bother?”

“You’re such a disappointment.”

“This isn’t some big, romantic moment.”

A girl that you love who doesn’t love you in return gets excited and kisses your hand. It’s such an odd moment that your brain files it away. It bugs you so much that you write about it. The girl later reads it, and never says a word.

A girl that you love who doesn’t love you in return smiles when she asks you to come and hang out with her and her boyfriend. She smiles when she invites you over when no one is at her house. She smiles when he calls and you get up from her bed. She smiles when you never do.

A girl you love, one that does not love you in return, no matter what, you never get used to this.

The wheel under your hand, vinyl or plastic or leather, you’re not really thinking about that. Behind the glass in front of you, something you’re never really supposed to see. The road is straight, but first you see one side of the street, and then the other. Back and forth like a ship rocking. You slam into the ground of a hill facing the way you just came from. The motor still runs, ticking away, and you feel nothing.

The plane lifts, and you feel everything.

This is not always your fault. You can not control the world. You are not at the center of the world, or anyone’s world. The world is not the center of this solar system, the star, not the center of the galaxy, over and over and over: lessen the magnification, and honesty is revealed.

Everything is coincidental. You are insignificant.

“Have a safe trip…”

“Bye…”

“I am in love with you…”

“Hey…”

“We need to talk…”

“…bye.”

Unhappy Ending

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 09:47:35 GMT

I could stand here, scream at the top of my lungs
About the dreams of you being mine
But I can’t stand here, thinking of what I’ve done
Why waste the time?
Why waste the breath?
Yes I could tell you, just how I feel
My every reason that I crave death
But that’s not part of the deal, no
No, that’s not part of the deal

What’s the matter, can you hear the patter
Of the marching of tiny feet?
Hey can you remember, the look of cold December
Of turning your head when we meet?
Oh, so, I guess that’s how the story goes
I suppose the message I’m sending
Is how this is just one more unhappy ending

Now all alone, tired to the bone, fatigued by unintentional lies
No time to begin, when you reach the dead end, exhausted by how time flies
Live everyday like it’s your last is easy when it feels like the last
Every day is exactly the same there’s no future when it’s all past
So I could stand here and I could scream and I could whither away
But life without fear, without dream, it all just seems the same
I could repeat myself
But what would there be there to gain?
I could do all these things…
But what would be there to gain?

Nothing comes here, comes my way
I guess that’s just how things are
Nothing to fear, nothing to say
I guess I’ve always gone too far
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye is all that’s left
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye now seems right
Cos I can’t stand here and try to fight
The ground is slipping, heart cold and ripping
Before the goodbye there’s one thing to do
Watch the frown when I whisper that I love you

No more mending, the message I’m sending
No more shoulder lending, or messages pending
Just the tending, of the will bending
Can’t stop fending, this
Goodbye.
Unhappy ending

Fork me,

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 07:47:37 GMT

I'm done.

Well, This Sucks

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:33:32 GMT

This has been a hell of a day. Fluctuating back and forth between so many extremes, depression to anger to... everything else. I am so worn thin that I've been panic attacking for an hour and a half, on and off. Usually, to stop them, I want to go home, or somewhere with comfort, but I don't have those kinds of places anymore. I don't feel like I have a home, or anyone to tell me it's going to be ok, or any kind of comfort. Now, I'm so worn that I may just go to bed, even if its induced sleep. Concentration is a difficult and fickle thing. Truly focusing on something starts to bring the attacks back on. (tried with homework) I just now only stopped the shaking enough to type this. *laughs*

What a fine mess I am becoming.

edit: don't ask me about this time stamp, It's 2:30pm CST.

One Massive Post

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 08:14:11 GMT

Ok, here's the deal. Sometimes I write my posts in Word, and then I read them, and just writing the words makes me feel better. But tonight, I want to cut myself open, let this out into the void that is the internet. So here are a few "lost" posts. Nothing in them is terribly important, so skip reading if you want, I wouldn't blame you.

A Coward Dies a Thousand Deaths…

But you only have to die once.

We’ve all felt it I think. You’re presented with something you’re scared of, but it’s there, staring you in the face. It’s a moment, just a moment in your life, but it feels like something that can define you. Time slows down a little. There’re two paths, you can be brave or you can be a coward. What are you going to do?

We’ve all taken the cowardly road haven’t we? Only to be followed by shame, that low feeling of asking ourselves what is wrong with us, thinking about the million other things we could have done. There, that moment, a piece of you has just died a cowardly death.

And why? Cos we’re afraid? Afraid of what? I mean, most of the time that feeling comes it’s because we passed up something we wanted. So why do we hold ourselves back?

Why?

I mean really, why do we do this to ourselves? We have the capacity to do those things; we almost do them right before chickening out.

Are we holding ourselves back from getting the things we want?

Well friends of mine, I know the feeling well. I also know what it feels like to be in that moment and going "fuck it, I’m going for it".

The latter…feels so much better.

You start to live a life without regret, at least personal regret. You may regret the actions of others, hate it when others die their own deaths, but you can live, and live knowing what kind of person you actually are. The person others wish to be.

And all you have to do is go to that place you fear, and live in it a bit. I think February should be all about fear, and overcoming it. There’s even an extra day this year you could use just for this. (note: I know February is gone, but you can still live)

Go ahead. Amaze yourself.

Make a list of what you fear, of things that scare you but that you want, or hate that you fear, and overcome it.

Fear snakes? Go to the pet store and hold one. Being alone? Spend some time by yourself. Crowds? Go to the mall. What’s going to stop you? Honestly? Besides yourself and the petty little things we all fear.

Each and every person can overcome their fear. We can all start getting the things we truly want. We can each become the people we’d like to be. That self-image of the person who can go out and get the things they want.

No fear. No regret.

Because let’s face it. Life’s too short.

So how many deaths will you die?

Bad Day, Worse Night

I lay in bed, but I couldn’t sleep. Emotionally drained, but I couldn’t weep. Thought of things that make me sad. I thought of things that make me bad. Thinking and thinking, I could not stop. I am exhausted, but my eyelids won’t drop. Then my back began to knot and ache. Thought of my smiles, and how well I’m becoming a fake. I feel like I’m being punished, but I know not my crime. Feeling like hell, so I’m stopping this bullshit rhyme.

So I got up, trying to ease the pain, but nothing would help, so I remembered I had to take a game back to Blockbuster. And a drive didn’t sound like the worst idea. So I went.

The cloudless sky let the half orange tinted moon hang low on the horizon. The unobstructed view made a million stars visible. But as I looked at what usually makes me smile and feel a little at peace…I felt nothing. I was tired of looking at dead things.

So I drove. My mind still was racing. Reaching for things I used to be able to embrace.

But those things were no longer there.

That hope in the future is gone. None of those images I’ve discussed with various people seemed plausible anymore.

So I looked at the present. And damn does the present suck. I’m not going into all the details, but let’s just say I’m not happy where I am right now.

I know I’ll hear "reread that rebirth post" but that’s another thing. I’ve become two-faced.

I hate that, but there it is. I’ve put on a smile for everyone, then at night I write in a paper journal. Trying to split positive and negative. And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t play games, or hold back, or any of those things.

So yeah. Here I am again. Saying things plainly. So here are a few of my truths. For better or worse.

I’m in love without getting love in return. I give without receiving. It eats me alive, slowly.

I don’t feel like I’m worth it.

I resent the bahRPG and that is why I was so hesitant to write for it. I resent that it takes off with minimal effort as HoX grows into its 2nd birthday without a thing being done for it. The original plan did nothing. I asked for help and nothing happened. And now it’s just a lame duck.

All day I’ve imagined slicing my wrists open. And please, no suggestions of therapy. It’s just a part of me. I deal with it.

I wish I was special.

I hate being alone.

I am not a strong person.

I am not a fighter.

I am not a leader.

I hate myself.

And this life.

So, I’m going to go for a bit. I’ll be around a little, for emails, maybe texts, I really don’t know. What I do know is I need a change in my life, or there won’t be much of a life to hold on to.

I wish you all the best. And the last thought of…

We’ll meet again. Don’t know how, don’t know when. But I know we’ll meet again, some sunny day.

You know, I pour my heart and soul into words. I craft them, and carefully put myself into these things. All my hope and future and everything I am. I put everything into simple words in hopes of getting something back. And then, after the neat little package is tidied up and wrapped with a bow, I give them away. My words, my heart, my soul…I give them to the people I love.

It’s the stupidest thing about me, and I don’t suggest it to anyone.

In fact, I have given and given so much while getting barely anything back; I think I’ve given it all away. I’m a vacant soulless shell of the person I used to be.

Maybe that’s how things are supposed to be.

But yeah, I can’t give anymore. I don’t have anything left in me to give. I trusted all the wrong people with all the most important things. Life is a game. I came to the table a pessimistic optimist willing to gamble everything on the fast car and big prizes.

And when door number three slid open there was a donkey laying in wait.

A jackass for the fool. I have lost.

I am a loser in this game.

I wish the mystery box had held a knife, and then I could slash my wrists open on live TV while I yelled at the camera about how the façade of life doesn’t work for all of us. I’d scream, and then I’d laugh. The laugh would fade to a grin as my skin turned from an unhealthy glow to paper white as my heart pushed and pushed my blood out of the open wounds that could not heal or congeal fast enough to save my wasted life.

I really don’t know why I’m not going to the kitchen right now for a knife. I think I have it planned out; I’ll unhook the heaters and let the house fill with gas. Sooner or later a spark will kick on and boom, my dead body will ignite and I’ll get the unboxed cremation I’ve always wanted. No dead body for my mom to have to walk in on, no decomposed smell to torment people, no mess to clean up. Just gas, gas, slash, slash, no concern, let it burn.

My suicide letter would be in emails to everyone I know. Either my apologies or advice for people, or leaving my few possessions in the mail, you all would either understand, hate me, or forget me.

I would hope for the understanding, but in death I’ll accept the other things as well.

But it doesn’t look like I have it in me to try to kill myself again. This time, knowing my luck, I’d somehow live through the wrist slashing, and the gas wouldn’t ignite, and I would just end up with severe brain damage from the lack of oxygen.

Then again, if ignorance is bliss, maybe I could use a little brain damage.

I don’t know anymore, maybe I’m just a coward, maybe I’m just tired.

Maybe my life has too many maybes. Too many unknowns obscure my view and in turn make hope an impossible improbability that I can’t place my chips on anymore.

Maybe I just want to be wanted, would love to be loved.

Maybe I’m just a scared kid, and I don’t know what to do.

Maybe I’m a sinner, maybe I’m resentful.

Maybe I’m just in pain, and I want it to stop.

Fuck it, maybe I just don’t know anymore, and everything feels negative around me, and I do not have valid reasons any longer to hope for better things to come.

I don’t know, and until I figure it out, I do not see how things will be better, or get sorted, or anything.

So I’m wandering.

Aimlessly drifting.

Goodbye.

It’s funny, in a relative kind of way, but I want to be honest tonight. But I know I can’t. For various reasons, those bitter little words of honesty on the tip of my tongue are going to have to be swallowed down. The sad part is…I’ve been wearing a mask. The mask is sad, but that’s not the sad part, the sad part is if anyone has been keeping track I’ve been a depressed suicidal mess. That as well is sad in its own right, but it’s still not the sad part I’m talking about.

No, the sad part is I allow people to see I’m a sad, depressive and suicidal mess. Connect the dots and you figure out that I’m wearing my mask to only show the tip of the iceberg of how I truly feel.

So tonight I’m going to be honest, even if only in my own way.

So, latest events stripped of symbolism:

Things are changing between me and people. I’m really sorry about this, and probably why I’m listing it first, but I don’t know how to stop it. When I get unhappy, things feel different within me. While that should make sense on its own, I am not sure I have ever explained it properly. But its one of my truths, and I wish I didn’t have to explain it if simply because I wish it wasn’t my truth to bear. But I learned long ago that you can shit in one hand and wish in the other to see which one fills up faster, either way; look at the only thing you’re left holding. Anyway, the deal is, when I’m not happy (and I think most of you know what happiness is for me, if not, just ask and I’ll reveal that pathetic truth as well) I close down inside. I stop feeling happiness in a general sense of the word, I become unthankful for things that I should continually be thankful for. I go numb. I do this as an act of self-preservation. If I cut out the emotion, well, I won’t feel the pain of continued existence. The sad, sad truth is I’m a five year old child. If I can’t get what I want, well, my world ends. I’m caught in a continuous tantrum. How is that for honesty?

So, Brent’s moving, and it may be 6 months to a year until Candis follows. That’s basically all I’m going to say about this. If I revealed my truth on this I’d have to face just how bad of a person I really am, and while I can look in the mirror and know it, see it, live with it…I don’t think I could handle everyone else knowing all of my truths. And it's not that I hate that they're moving, I'm actually happy Brent is taking the job, god knows I've pushed him to make a better life for himself long enough. No, it's something else.

I want to be honest, but when is anyone ever truly honest?

The shitty walls that surround me are mine now. I don’t want them. I don’t see how I am going to manage to sell them. I want to move, I have no where to move to.

I don’t really have fear anymore. I’m not scared of things. I looked at my present, and I’m not happy with it. I don’t have hope in a better future. The idea is supposed to be that once you lose everything you’re free to do anything. Once you hit bottom you are supposed to be free to fly higher than ever before. But I feel chained by a world where the brutal truth is that no: not everything is possible. All my fear has been replaced. I no longer fear losing things, because I’ve lost them. I don’t fear not achieving my hopes and dreams. No, fear has been replaced by feeling stupid that I ever believed I could achieve them in the first place.

School’s almost over, my finals are this week; I don’t give a flying fuck if I fail.

I don’t get happiness from these kinds of things. I don’t feel proud about them. And here’s why: it’s easy. School, writing, I don’t put effort into these things. They’re pretty boring actually. The reason I got such a kick out of Photoshop was because I actually had to put a little effort into learning things. The same thing with CSS. I’d try, get things wrong, and then go back to try to find the problem, fix things, learn. But CSS kinda sucked, Java was impossible for me to learn, Photoshop was the key…but I feel like I’ve peaked on it. I’m not great, I haven’t learned everything, but I think I’ve peaked with what I can do with it…. So…I don’t know….

It’s like the writing thing, I should get some pride or satisfaction from it, and people think I should as well cos not everyone can do it. But let me flip it. Do I envy people that can sleep, and sleep in normal patterns? Why yes, yes I do, because it’s something I can’t do without 10 Tylenol PMs. Should someone feel proud and accomplished because they can sleep and do it in normal intervals? Well, no, it’s something natural to them. So there’s a truth of mine, writing comes as natural as breathing; I don’t have to think about it. It doesn’t make me feel better about life. Sure, I can get excited about it sometimes, hell, sometimes I can get excited over breathing, and really excited for sleep. But do those things make for a life I can be happy and proud with?

No.

My days are becoming exactly the same. I barely even know what day it is anymore, sometimes, I don’t. I have to look at the calendar to figure it out.

So, in the end, so close to the edge, crumbling down to nothing: Why don’t I slit my wrists? Why don’t I take the shotgun under my chin? Why don’t I take the whole bottles of everything I have? Why don’t I hang myself? Why don’t I fill the tub and grab something with a semi long cord? Why don’t I drink the bottle of bleach? Why don’t I hit 100mph and swerve into the tree?

I don’t know. I really don’t. But that is why I’ve been pushing away from people lately. Well, one of the many reasons.

My truth?

I’m lost.

Completely.

PostScript: Here’s my truth as to why I don’t seek professional help – I don’t think I should have to. I can be happy. I’ve been happy before. So now that I’m not, I don’t want to settle for it. I don’t honestly want this shit to be bearable. I have fallen, very hard on my ass, but I don’t want to be coddled and made to feel better about it. I want a fucking life that I am happy to have, that’s worth living to me, and if I don’t have that, well, I don’t want to feel better about having a fucked up one. If in the end I take one of those options I listed above, it was cos I don’t have something I want to keep. And while I may be chemically unbalanced and while I might be able to feel better about how I feel right now, I don’t see why I should have to. I want true happiness, maybe because that’s an actual challenge in my life, but I don’t really want to take the edge off of failing that challenge. Maybe that makes me even sicker, but I can’t sugar coat this one. If I can’t be happy, and I finally do break, then maybe that’s for the best.

And there you have it. It's a little repetitive, one of the reasons I didn't post them when written. They're all downers except the first one, another reason. But for whatever reason I felt the urge to put them here now. I don't have a real reason. Anymore, I don't have real reasons for most the things I do, or don't do. Just like my happiness and sadness, counter-balanced by not only what does happen, but equally by what doesn't.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 11:14:55 GMT

I think I took a wrong turn somewhere.

The Fun Post

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 16:49:32 GMT

You know, I remember doing posts just for fun, laughs and whatnot. Those were happier times. I miss those.

So I present for your viewing pleasure...

Game #1 Songs. iTunes on random, first line of each song. No google :-P 5 points each. Winner gets an icon request made by me.

~~1.) "Tonight I lack the strength to even move..."~~ Alright by Pilate gotten by lewlinx

2.) "Can't believe it's over..."

3.) "I'll never, feel the weight of your hands..."

4.) "If you were falling..."

5.) "I'm holdin' on your rope got me ten feet off the ground..."

~~6.) "Your subtleties, they strangle me..."~~ It Ends Tonight by the All-American Rejects gotten by lewlinx

7.) "What could you see?"

8.) "I fly like paper, get high like planes..."

9.) "Yeah!-Yeah!-Yeah! I was right all along!"

10.) "She said I'll throw myself away..."

Game #2 Movie Quote Trivia. 5 points each, winner gets to pick a theme I'll wax poetical about in an entry.

~~1.) "Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?"~~ from Serenity gotten by polyspaston

~~2.) "Just kidding. I just wanted to show him my cannons."~~ from Transformers gotten by lewlinx

3.) "This was my son. Notice how I said was? That's because he's dead. Relegated to the past tense. Went from an is to a was before he had his breakfast."

~~4.) "We all lie to ourselves to be happy."~~ from Memento gotten by lewlinx

5.) "Everybody thinks they're right in a war. Everybody still dies in the end."

~~6.) "Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back."~~ from Ghostbusters gotten by lewlinx

~~7.) "Welcome the rich man, he's hard for you to miss. His butt keeps getting bigger, so there's plenty there to kiss!"~~ from Spirited Away gotten by unkickablekitty

~~8.) "Look. There's a rhythmic ceremonial ritual coming up."~~ from Back to the Future gotten by polyspaston

9.) "So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." from Office Space gotten by unkickablekitty

~~10.) "As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he was talking about."~~ from Shaun of the Dead gotten by polyspaston

Game #3 TV quote trivia! Ahh, bit different eh? 5 points each, winner gets a oneshot/drabble/piece of writing.

~~1.) "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."~~ from Doctor Who gotten by polyspaston

2.) "You can't miss the bear."

~~3.) "How about I smack that smartass right out of your mouth."~~ from Supernatural gotten by mugglewitch1

4.) "Only hope can give rise to the emotion we call despair. But it is nearly impossible for a man to try to live without hope, so I guess that leaves Man no choice but to walk around with despair as his companion."

~~5.) "I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta move."~~ from Firefly gotten by polyspaston

6.) "Guys, the Afghanistanannis."

7.) "It's like an alarm clock's gone off, and I've just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said: "Life is what happens when you're making other plans.", and that's how I feel. Although he also said: "I am the Walrus; I am the egg-man" so I don't know what to believe." from The Office UK gotten by polyspaston

~~8.) "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas."~~ from Extras gotten by polyspaston

9.) "Harry and Dorris Morgan did a wonderful job raising me. But they're both dead now. I didn't kill them. Honest."

10.) "Ya hear that? It sounds like we're being boarded from the rear. And not the Hey-take-a-deep-breath-let's-experiment kind of boarding from the rear."

End Games I was gonna do video game quote trivia, but figured no one would win, or play and might just start looking at me funny. Again.

So, other meme's:

Which literature classic are you?

T.S.Eliot: The Wasteland. You are a desperate cry to God, moulded in intricate word-craftmanship. Your language is controlled, but inside, you feel empty and are not content with your life. You see both the world and your inner self as a waste land: nothing good can come out of it anyway. People find you difficult to understand but admire you nevertheless.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

you are olivedrab
#688E23

Your dominant hues are green and yellow. There's no doubt about the fact that you think with your head, but you don't want to be seen as boring and want people to know about your adventurous streak now and again.

Your saturation level is higher than average - You know what you want, but sometimes know not to tell everyone. You value accomplishments and know you can get the job done, so don't be afraid to run out and make things happen.

Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Final meme: Comment with the words "GIVE ME LOVE!" and I'll list off some things I love about ya.

Now, I'm sure I'll be back to the serious, deep thinking, depressing things soon, so have fun while it lasts ;-)

omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 05:43:00 GMT

Ever get that omnipotent feeling? The paths laid before you and you can see for miles. You smile, spotting what is bad for you and moving away from it, you move towards what will make your life worth living. It's just a moment. You're bullet proof. You carefully set up your dominoes one by one. Slowly, achingly you create your future, each little step to get there. Then you move back to the beginning, the present.

With almost childish glee you tip over the first domino.

And what happens is the thing you did not expect. The little brick tips over, slowly wobbling, fighting gravity to stay vertical, tipping, tipping, the unwitting catalyst.

It grazes the next domino, lower than you intended, it falls with a clap. The next...shivers...and then....

Nothing.

The unwilling catalyst. And you sit there. Your child-smile molding into a child-pout. You're left with a lifetime of work done, but none of it happening. You sit there a moment, looking longingly at what could have been, what you believe should have been, but not you know what never will be.

And this is after your last set of dominoes went off perfectly until they stopped in the middle, hitting a wall. Some stupid wall you never even saw until it was too late. Mortar and brick lain by your own hands, the sweat of your brow.

And then what?

What do you do now?

It's a simple question, burning under your skin. You want to set up those dominoes one more time, see if this time you can manage that shortest distance between two points. You pick up that first piece, ready to place it in line.

And you freeze.

You do not know what to do.

Part of you wants to just chuck that cool piece resting in your hand. Part of you wants to place it and just get the next catastrophe done with. Part of you wants to reach point B. Part of you believes that will never happen.

Most of you.

It's a progression.

A series of moments.

And anymore, you do not know how to play the game.

Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.

Now if only it were for the better.

A Seperation or Division into Factions

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:26:20 GMT

The air carries a hint of warmth and an undertone of coolness. The sky is cast in grey with a hint that the sun remains behind it, ever steady. It feels like the weather of change. Maybe it is just spring knocking on winter's door. Or maybe it's the truth coming in the form of omen. Maybe things are changing. It feels like everything has changed. Or maybe just me.

I feel alienated. Part of a world I no longer belong in.

Maybe it's cos I'm sick. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's just how things have become.

I feel like a shell, a prop or some other object set up in the corner, waiting to respond to people as they filter in and out of my life. Anymore, I'm a spectator. A watcher. A hobbyist, taking notes on life's interesting little tidbits, notes on other people's lives. Like a bird watcher wasting away who can only imagine he can fly.

I'm caught thinking about things that truly do not matter. Like the paradox of life. Creation being an infinite loop of every creation needing a creator. Spontaneous being needing things to happen spontaneously, which just doesn't happen. By all logic, we can't prove reality even exists.

This sentence is false.

Or how does gravity work? Some theorize all mass has gravity. Yet, the video of people in spaceships in zero gravity don't have tiny objects orbiting them. Others say it's the world spinning, centrifuge and inertia. This, to me makes more sense, until I thought of the sun. Plasma, burning away to nuclear fusion. If it's just mass and gravity, then we should be drawn to the sun. If it's the nuclear aspect, pushed away. But the sun rotates, so could it be centrifuge too? Magnetic fields, holding us in place as we hold the moon in place.

You drop a ball, it falls down. Unless you're on the other side of the world, then your ball is falling up.

It's all about perspective.

As it ever was.

I don't know. I have a million things going through my head. How maybe the idea of wizards and witches using incantation probably came from the bible. Cos everyone knows God said let there be light.

Lumos!

Plots keep coming and coming, and I don't have time to write them all down. I get lines, passages, over and over.

My head so full I can not sleep. Not that it matters, mind and body so tired I can not get anything done. No peace to be had. No sense of accomplishment. Fatalistic, defeatism or moralistic nihilism...who knows.

Maybe I'm just going insane.

Maybe I'm just starting to realize it.

If you can comprehend losing your shit, are you really losing it?

Hey, ninkenate, I think I deserve your bah name right about now.

Maybe I'm lonely, even in a room full of people.

Cos I'm alienated.

Alone.

And if I keep rambling, I'll just keep rambling. So instead, I'm just going to leave with a song.

"The poetry
That comes from the squaring off between
And the circling is worth it
Finding beauty in the dissonance

There was a time that the pieces fit
But I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering
Strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know
The dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow
And strengthen our communication

Cold silence has
A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers

I know the pieces fit. (repeat to fade out)"

I Buried My Grandmother Today

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 08:58:22 GMT

The service was nice. Thankfully Brent and Candis and the kids were there and were able to keep me away from family too much. I didn't lash out at anyone so I guess that's something. This was my first funeral, so didn't know what to expect really. When I went to the coffin I said goodbye.

I helped put the casket into the hearse.

I helped carry to the grave site.

On the way there it rained hard, when we got there it stopped, when we were standing there when it was over it started again.

Me and my real family went out to eat as the strangers that share some strands of DNA with me went to my aunt's.Then me, Brent and Ant went to Tyler. Brent bought some stuff for his remote control gas car. I bought a rechargeable battery for my X-Box controller, and found the collector's edition for Prey for a whopping $10.

Am I boring you yet?

Afterwards, me and Brent played poker with his family and family friends. Then just played with the kids afterwards along with a little talking and whatnot.

Hell, I'm boring myself.

Got home, looked for a little comfort, got reminding that I'm alone.

Got cold, but the heater messed up. Got hungry but couldn't find the skillet I was looking for. Got tired, so here I am, took my PMs, and thought I'd ramble until they kicked in. I'm so far behind on homework, but right now I really don't care.

I'm breaking in here after written everything what follows. It pretty much goes downhill from here, so if you want to skip it, please do.

Brent and Candis and kids may be moving to Oklahoma. I want to move, maybe sell this house, but hell, where would I go?

I don't have a life.

I mean, honestly, it's not like I have someone who loves me that can plan to move together somewhere. Those days are obviously over, or never starting, or something. Could move to BHam but I dunno if Sally is going to stay there. I dunno if anyone is staying or going anymore. But me. I'm stuck in my little pathetic dark world.

And yeah, I wish I could snap out of this shit, I really do, but anymore, what's the point?

Everyone you'll ever love will either die or reject you. Unless of course you get the privilege of dieing first.

I ever tell you all about me and religion? In the past when I would pray or believe, without fail, my life turned to shit. It always happened, I don't know why, but things would always just get worse. I'd pray, or thank God, or anything and I'd lose something. Bring on the heartache and pain. I went to church not that long ago, and nothing changed, things didn't get better, hell, they got worse if anything. And my grandmom died. Coincidence probably, but it leaves me a bit at odds at what to do.

The razor blade looks inviting.

But I won't go there. I don't really know why. Maybe just because I've gotten to such a point of numbness and uncaring that I don't even care to want to end life anymore. Life, death, what's the point?

What's the difference?

Sure, maybe this is just me grieving...

...or maybe this is just everything coming out. Cos I'm tired of holding it back.

Fuck it, going to sleep now, one way or another.

Sorry if this brought anyone down. And please don't worry based off these words. I just needed to vent.

Maybe I'll see some of you all around sometime.

Tonight, I Want to Close My Eyes

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 08:51:11 GMT

And ignore a cruel world. If it were that easy, I would close my eyes forever, ignore the tears slipping past my defenses. I spoke about being hurt, and closing myself down, hidden behind the walls of false strength and facades of hopeless romanticism.

I kept telling myself, that sooner or later, the world would be fair.

But I was wrong. I have come to what is just another breaking point, and I have reached this place alone. On my own. As it ever was.

I am breaking, and I don't have the strength tonight to try to hold the pieces together. I can't care enough to want to care that I'm breaking.

I want to close my eyes tonight. I want to sleep peacefully. I want to do it without pills. I want to know I matter in this world. I want to know that I am loved. I want to know that I'm not alone.

But just because you want something, doesn't make it true. Hope and pray and wish upon every star in the sky, pluck every four leaf clover and keep that horseshoe around your neck, get the larger side of the wishbone, blow out those birthday cake candles, cos for every pair of eyes reading this, I hope those wishes and dreams of yours come true.

Mine have broken. I am giving up of those stupid little thoughts.

I don't belong in this world.

I'm not alright.

I feel dead inside. And right now, I kinda just want to embrace that, and get lost in the numbness that has become my world. Maybe that means disappearing, I don't know what it means right now.

I'm wasted in this life, too stupid to find my own direction.

Did I ever tell you all about the origin of me? I'm not telling it tonight, it's not a pretty story. And it allows me to despise the people that made me completely. It's funny, in its own little sick way. I can truly say I'm not happy with my life, from conception until now.

Love, life, it has all let me down.

Tough shit, I suppose is how the saying goes.

So I'm down to my last wit's end. Or some other equally stupid saying. I'm tired, worn thin, and about to break. Alone. As it ever was.

I've lost the point to this whole song and dance. The music's not that good, and I have two left feet.

My mom was right all those years ago. I'm a disappointment. I am a failure.

It's the game of life. And it's not like she did anything with it either, so I guess I can say I learned from the best.

I don't see the point in moving forward anymore. I don't see a purpose.

Tonight,

I just want to close my eyes.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 02:31:04 GMT

This is Sally (mugglewitch1) for JP. His Gran passed away this morning and he wanted me to let you know that he won't be around the next few days. He's fine, but has family stuff to attend to.

Book Review: The Coma

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 11:10:02 GMT

Today I walked to my mailbox, and retrieved the past few days of mail. Included in this was a book from the lovely bowtrunckle. I got inside, opened the brown paper and pulled out the book. First I noted the cover, black with white drawings scattered around, doodles, grey mixed in tot he fonts, overall, something that would definitely catch my eye in a book store. Alex Garland was the author, and been on my "to read" list for a while, his first novel The Beach being a long time recommendation. I was slightly surprised to see he also did the screenplay for 28 Days Later.

Intrigued, I opened the book.

2 Hours Later, I'm left with a book just finished. But this isn't just a book that I've read, another for the shelf, it's something...more.

In the title I said this was going to be a book review, and in a slight way, that's a lie. This is more of a book impression more than anything. The content, well, I'm not going to get into it so I won't spoil anything for anyone who wishes to read this book. It's one of those books I will envy people who get to read it for the first time. But I will give part way my impressions.

About a third of the way in the overbearing urge for me to write hit me. I was inspired, ambitious. I had a new plot, and I didn't feel like I should be telling a story as much as I felt like I should say something.

So many authors talk without saying a thing. That, or they say the same thing that has been said a million times before. The hero is good, the villain is bad, love conquers all, blah blah blah. But ever so often authors come along that actually say something more, and even more than that, they leave you questioning things. They force you to take account of things like, well, you know, the small little things like life, reality and your perception of it.

That's the story I want to craft. That's the story I feel like I am being sucked into.

Halfway through the book, I think I'm right. I'm reading and every word, every action makes me question not only things that were written before it, but every coming sentence, as well as my own...life.

Two thirds in, I still want to write, but it occurs to me that I will never, ever write this well. And while this may be true, I still want to tell a story, even if I never reach this level, it'll be fun trying.

Finishing the book, and I'm thinking more than ever. About the ending, about the epilogue, about every aspect that was within the book, and I'm thinking of when I will reread it (probably Monday) and I'm thinking about buying the book because I want it next to my Palahniuk collection that I reread every year, and I'm thinking about buying The Beach cos I am just that impressed by this book. I'm also thinking about my own story, all of my stories, and how I need to make them better. How I wish and hope to reach this level, even if I am only hoping and wishing. It's still nice to have things to hope and wish for.

I'm thinking of when I'll be able to talk to BD about the whole thing. And gush about her brilliant ability to pick the perfect book to send me at the perfect time.

Later, I was raving about the book to Sally. And I wrote something that I would like to share now. It's simply, what I have never been able to put in perfect words before, my explanation of love.

If you lose an arm, you're still you. You lose both arms, legs, everything, you're name does not automatically change. Even the name, it's just a label. I have a consciousness, something singular that is...me.

Take anything you can do alone, your imagination, the little world that makes you you. The most vivid image that you can come up with, as real as you can make it, recreating smells, how things feel, the smallest details of what things look like, taste like, sounds like...your memory, anything...masturbation, watching movies, reading books...,

all of these things, the very best of you alone, they can only come second place to things you can do with others. Sharing is the greatest things we can achieve.

And while friends are great, truly and wholly some of the most wonderful things that can be found in this world...there's that deeper level of someone you love.

That person you share your very soul completely with.

To open yourself up, show them that thing that is you when you are completely stripped away, those singular qualities that make you you and they are able to say they want to have that, for themselves...for the rest of their time. That level of intimacy.....

That is the world I want to live in. That kind of love is the kind I hope to feel everyday, for the rest of my days.

Without it, what kind of life are we really living anyway?

These words may not be perfect still, but they may be the closest I will ever come to achieving perfection.

And maybe, that's enough.

I can not lie. After stripping it all down, looking at everything with an honest eye, I can smile today and say that I am in love. The love I just spoke about.

How it will play out, the good and the bad in the coming days, I do not know. But I do know I am about to go to bed after playing Rockband with friends for 6 hours, and I know tomorrow I need to go to the store and write a 5 page essay, and I know these things...I know I can sleep tonight with a smile. I know tomorrow shouldn't be as bad as it could be.

I know myself. Stripped away, alone in the dark.

And I know that I am happy with what that is.

The simple truths that I have examined today.

And I can hope, that one day, someone will see that and say, "Yeah, I want that, for myself, for as long as I can have it."

And tonight, that hope, is enough.

Welcome Everyone to the Big Show

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:28:27 GMT

New beginnings are a wondrous thing. Don't you think?

So... what does this one entail?

A lot.

No more getting worked up over things I can not control. Sure, I may see a path laid before me, and maybe that path is a future one, no more getting worked up over the fact I can't have it now. What come will come, and I'll take things as they come rather than run myself down over things that are neither here nor now.

Schedules. Lots and lots of schedules. Workout schedule. School schedule. Writing schedule. Get shit done, and get it done right. No more hoping, wishing and dreaming, but working towards goals.

Less time online. Sorry, but for the above to work I can no longer wake up, get a couple things done, sign on, sign off and go to bed. I've been telling people that sometimes just for self-preservation we sometimes need to be selfish. Well, I'm about to have to take my own advice.

Living more. I want a life that others look at and want to do more of what I do. I want my name known. I want to be a force rather than an after thought. And if you know me, you know I don't easily stop until I get what I want. So look for updates for things you may not expect coming from me.

No more hiding, no more bottling. No more dependency on people to feel good about myself.

More positives.

I'm sure there's more. But that's enough for now.

See you soon.